ENFP journey to and through the shadow self.

it’s a life story sharing, an outlet of emotional event, in order to progress.

It’s never been weirder entering my shadow function.

First, what is it?

The shadow functions are the most unconscious part of your personality. You use them unconsciously throughout every day, but you always rely more heavily on your primary functions. Your shadow functions tend to be more apparent, and also more immature, during times of extreme stress, illness, or deprivation from the needs to socialize.

Now, I have a weird and heavy INFJ shadow, it’s theoretically my opposite side of the same coin if I have to visualize it for us to understand. I am not sure what is going in my mind, but to know that my dad was an INFJ also makes me feel really struggle.

Because in order to possess and and take responsibility to be this kind of personality, the choices of being a good person are not always in the favour of the person that owns it. What I meant is that, INFJ personality type chooses to be a good person by all mean because they choose a higher power of spriritual belief to protect them from the dark thoughts only they can understand. Their ability to carry on such heavy emotional pains of others sometimes pains themselves, too much they think in order to get rid of this feeling for a stranger on the street, you have to basically stop saving them.

That’s one layer of how dark INFJ can be if they don’t believe in God and themselves to be a good person and commit to a spiritual journey of kindness and support in order to love themselves by loving others due to the demands of God, a higher power they can respect and be surrendering to.

I never understood why my Dad devoted to Catholism, Sunday chruches, and yet went to university to get a Degree in Science at the age of 33, and he had nailed it like a young man with the Bachelor Degree 4 years later while having wife and kids anda homerun business to take care of.

He was ambitious, loving, and kind. I could never forget those days with him, he introduced me to all sorts of things. He always told me this and I never understood, until years later as I grew into a woman.

“Happiness is your choice, if anything in life makes you unhappy, remember that it’s your choice. Stay in and find a way to be happier make better decisions, or make another better choices. It’s all in the hands of yourself.”

I remembered I did ask him how about God, but I guess he was mumbling about something else I couldn’t remember exactly what was next.

But maybe because of that, the one of the best statements told to me stuck in my little mind, carrying until today.

I was really depressed due to the pandemic, I felt like a loser. I cried, feeling overwhelmed with life, I didn’t want to go further with life, at one point I thought life was meaningless and the reason why was because I was still breathing.

At the very very dark moment of my well-being that was clearly unwell, I took a few anti-depression, amd sleep the second good-sleep ever. In that sleep, I saw my dad.

And my nose gets funny, my eyes start to be runny, as I am typing.

He was in my dream as if he had been never gone. It felt so real and happy to meet my dad again for a long time. “Sorry, kiddy, dad was travelling for too long” he looked at me with tears on his face, there was just me and him in my room back in the old nineties house that now sold.

He sat on the chair opposite to study desk, where I was.

“How have things been? Have you been a good and happy person like how dad told you to be?”

I couldn’t remember exactly my response, something like “No, I wasn’t”.

He smiled, gave me a pat on my shoulder.

“It’s OK, Dad had to fight hard, very hard to be happy and good. You just learnt to be yourself, don’t need to take it way too much, do one thing at a time, remember, happiness is your choice.”

“Is it my choice?” I asked.

“I cannot answer you a question you owe yourself”

“Is it the reason why you didn’t come home for such a long time, dad?”

“No, you won’t like my answer, but I was traveling, making my choices to be happy in life”

“So I didn’t make you happy?”

“You did, but then dad started to realize dad didn’t make you happy.”

“But I was happy having you around!”

“It was your choice, if it’s happy then why all dad hears is you are not happy about the choice you made with dad?

And the another dream disrupted like 10 minutes advertisements.

And I dreamt another dream.

But my God, when I wake up this morning, everything explained.

My pillow wasn’t too dry, and I was in deep feeling of both lost and enlightenment.

I know he was gone and be gone, there is no after life, nothing like that would bring him into my dreamscapes. But this is where my unconscious mind of an INFJ was too strong that it saved me from one steps further of losing myself to insanity.

And from then, I respect and be gentler with my unconscious mind, not judging the minds too much everytime my mind starts to feel the darkness of an unfair life as it alwats is shadowing all over me.

It’s the darkness taught me to be kinder with myself.

That I can always choose to be happy and kind.

That I can always choose to be a good person by choosing the act of kindness.